WAIT, Watch Her
The Reason Why I Smile TODAY is due to my appreciating my weight gain after becoming clean and sober. No one could have told me that slimming into a size small and size four would make me look so skeletal. I still had a beautiful smile and was pretty, so the disease told me I was OKAY! “Hey, you are still healthy looking,” the disease would firmly affirm.
Growing up with no self-esteem because of my weight and having those with whom I looked up to and loved constantly calling me fat or talking about my weight created a feeling of self-loathing that would last until December 1999 when I had the Bariatric surgery. For me, a drastic yet necessary decision. As children, we are molded by our surroundings and the people we love; when both atmospheres steal the ability to fully love ourselves, we become broken before we even begin growing.
As I got clean and started taking Zoloft for Severe Major Depression last year, I gained nearly sixty pounds in a few months. Comments from people in recovery meetings bothered me and caused me to feel like that little girl who was chastised for her large weight. My self-esteem was slightly bruised, although I still knew I was beautiful and sexy. I became obsessed with wanting to return to that size four and small, because I NEVER thought I would get to that size. For my height of five feet and THREE QUARTERS, I thought I could wing it successfully. NOT!
I started noticing a face smaller than slim, but I was too anxious and excited for being one hundred and thirty pounds first time in my life I OWNED IT. We can want an idea so badly that once we achieve it yet see it does not match who we are, we are so geeked about being that idea we overlook the reality of the new us. After the weight loss surgery in 1999, my self-esteem soared, and I had all the confidence of a fashion model, but when the addiction turned me into a size FOUR, you couldn’t tell me a thing!!!
TODAY, at one hundred and eighty-eight pounds, a size large and possibly an eight or ten (have not bought number sized clothes but can still fit my eights), I am grateful, self-assured, and comfortable in my skin. My focus is on getting and staying healthy and active physically, which does not always work. Gone are the despair, struggle, and stress from no longer be a small, extra small, or a size four. I AM beautiful as I AM!
My sobriety and clean time are most important, as well as my mental health. I have not craved or desired to drink in almost seven months or to abuse medicine in almost six months. My goal and struggle have been concentrating on my mental stability and receiving ALL the professional help available for me.
Instead of obsessing over if I will join WeightWatchers, I am saying, “WAIT, Watch Her”, because she is fabulous!!!
WHAT I AM LEARNING TODAY: I AM marvelous, intelligent, made in HIS Image, destined for so much greatness I will not BELIEVE it as I am receiving it. Even if my destiny seems so far away, through my pressing forward, I WILL see my destiny manifested. I am an inspiration for the broken, the sick, the one who thinks they lost their dreams because of their many and plenty mistakes. Consequences MUST be experienced when we make the wrong or bad choices, BUT as I am told in one of my groups, THIS TOO SHALL PASS, and even when it feels as if that is an untruth, IT will pass thanks to our HIGHER POWER and our willingness to not give up.
Be Inspired, and know I am holding your hands as we win together!!! 2.20